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Outside it was a dull cool autumn day with a grey sky although no rain. The castle gates were already open. Arianna was surprised to see one of the Guard horses saddled for her, although Pava’s own Star was there. The grooms lifted rueful faces to her and hurried to excuse themselves, many of the horses were unrideable this morning after a night plunging in the stables terrified by the cannonade. One of my Lord’s racehorses had injured herself so badly that they had had to destroy her, the grooms’ eyes turned desolately aside as they blurted this out, they had not been able to tell Clair as yet. Arianna and Pava rode through the gates and Arianna gave a sudden cry which she immediately stifled. The hillside down which they had galloped for their hunt not two weeks before was torn and blasted in the frail wreaths of the morning mist which mixed with remnants of cannon smoke. Campfires still burned here and there among the torn and trampled tents, the rags of bedding and clothing.. I just can’t wait to be fucked. Properly fucked; not how he fucks me-because we can and should as husband and wife, but because you want me. And that’s it; we have no feelings for one another, just a want. A want for sex. My phone vibrates against my hand; a message from him. He asks if I’m getting on okay while he’s away, and that he’s bought some presents to bring home for me. I feel guilty and ashamed, but I don’t want to stop. I want the best of both worlds, I’m greedy, I can’t make up my mind, I want love and I want lust. I reply with ‘I’m fine, and thank you! I love you with all of my heart, and I hope you’re having a good time xxxxx’, and I mean every word, except that maybe there is a small part of my heart that feels I am missing out. I feel a cold flutter on my cheek, and realise it is snowing. It is the first snow of the year. I almost smile to myself as I see it all floating down from the heavens like the soft fluffy down of a baby bird. Then suddenly I am angry with.
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